I'm Big in Malaysia

That famous phrase uttered by many-a-musician. Like Hasselhoff is in Germany. (WTF?) Anyway...thanks to the kind guys and gals at Google Analytics, I am able to get the statistics on the blog. That, and some research and some tips from fellow bloggers. I signed up for Google Analytics ages ago for my old company, but never submitted it to search engines. Funny now that I am publishing my opinion, people are actually searching it out and reading it.

For those that don't know, Google Analytics is a tool to track a website (like this blog). It has tons of info (most which I don't use, as I am not selling anything). The key things it shows is the traffic flow. Where your visitors are coming from, how they got to your site, how long they stayed, how many pages they viewed, etc. There is even the "bounce rate" (whatever that is) and a bunch of assorted crap I will never use.

The whole point of this blog (if there was ever going to be one) is have some fun and take a topical view of (sometimes) serious issues with regards to living in Dubai, and the UAE in general. It seems like people are actually interested. Huh. Who'd a thunk it?

Most viewers are from the UAE, but in the 2 weeks since I started submitting the articles to search engines, people are finding me. Pretty cool. Would be nice if you left a comment and let me know if you are interested (or not) in an article in particular. The growth rate seems to be exponential, but when starting out, who cares, right?

There is some really cool data though.Seems the Malaysians are the most enthused (or they just read slow) spending an average of 50 minutes on the site. The Dutch are next with 23 minutes, followed by the South Africans with 22 minutes. Canadians get their fill at a minute and a half, while the mental giants to the south need almost 8 minutes to absorb the same info on the same pages (hey, stats don't lie). Apparently I scared off the Irish and Serbians in 10 seconds flat, but Bahrain, what's up. Dismissing reality in seven seconds!

This is a great tool, one which I will keep you posted on the results as I gain readership. And to the guy/gal from Iceland that queried "dubai rent cap"..bless your heart. I thought things were messed up here. I still say give Bjork a ring and ask her to bail you out.

Cool country map:

Ha! friggin' told'ja...

A couple of tidbits I learned today....one I just stumbled across by accident.

#1 Just because a project has broken ground or nearing completion, does not mean that it will get finished. I am pleased to report that my previous employer, CSI got the proverbial carpet yanked from under them last week. Sales staff, admin and CAD people completely wasted a year of their life on a project. I can only assume you will not read it in the "Gospel According to Mo" (Gulfnews) as it is a 3 degrees of separation thing, but Harvard Medical School, Dubai Campus (HMSDC) has been shelved. That's right, get out, the site is on lockdown, they're shrink-wrapping it and moth balling it. Sucks to be them. This job was 70% complete and 25% paid. Boo-hoo.

I met with the Head C.S. of C.S.I. today and it was a very different meeting to our previous. Usually his line is ringing off the hook and his mobile is vibrating off the desk. Not today. His desk is usually cluttered with contracts, papers, his email "binging" away every 10 seconds, people knocking at the door. Not today. Today was quiet. An hour long meeting was interrupted by one call "do you want coffee or tea?"

I was shocked at the relative calm of the office. And at the exquisite coffee that was brought to me in the oh-so-ironic-chipped-mug. Life was good today.

#2 Don't pay Real Estate commissions anymore. One of the UAE's largest estate companies is now giving it away to buyers. Whoopity-doo. I was just checking their site to see what my palatial estate is renting for this week and saw this:



#3 Stating the obvious. The "Gospelnews" has become remarkable thinner in recent months. No longer is the front page wrapped in some glossy real estate announcement, and gone are the days of 37 property supplements. I am grateful, because it allows me to get to the drivel faster than before. Another surprise I had this week was scanning an issue of "Property Weekly", the property rag left on newsstands, restaurants and the like. It used to be as thick as a phone book. This week it was like a flimsy little brochure. The The National has a report on the dramatic drop in advertising spending found HERE A tidbit mentioned below:

Property adspend plunges

Keach Hagey

* Last Updated: January 25. 2009 8:36PM UAE / GMT

Property advertising, the largest advertising spending category in the country, dropped by more than two thirds during the final quarter of last year, according to data collected by the Pan Arab Research Center (PARC).

The sharp drop in developer spending from US$80 million (Dh293.8m) in October to $25m in December, combined with reduced advertising from the financial sector, helped to pull down total advertising spending growth rates in the last quarter, mirroring a wider trend in the Middle East region.

Peppering the Article

As the blog develops and gains a readership, I should probably put a disclaimer in here that I curse like a sailor. I don't feel it is gratuitous swearing, just enough to pepper the article accordingly. Sometimes, a curse word is the only adjective, verb or noun that actually fits.

I don't mean to offend, but I like my articles to illustrate how I speak. If swearing offends you, I'm really fucking sorry. I am guessing that people that discover this blog are mature adults wanting a "Reality Check" on Dubai. How things are, the way things work, etc. The reality is, people swear a shit-load here. I think much of it born of frustration.

Sorry to be a cursy-pants, but if you are offended by four-letter punctuation, just close your eyes when you get to the scary bits. It'll be okay. I even got busted this week swearing in the Religious Forum on Dubai Helping Hand. Whoops!

Funny Dubai drivers...I love this

The quality is not great, but just funny as hell. I guess they installed these speed bumps (the giant ones on Beach Road) and didn't sign them. Classic Dubai.

Hey, Habibi, here's another stupid idea we can't pull off!

Well, it's no secret that the braniacs that are in charge of dreaming up laws, regulations and "plans in general" are out to lunch when it comes to time lines. I mean, everything being built here in Dubai is delayed by years. There has been a great deal of concern over the Emirates Identity Card. Concern because no one is sure how to get one (EIDA's website would shit the bed whenever you filled in your PRE-application [whatever the fuck a PRE application is]), why we needed one (there is debate that it will be your labour card/e-gate/driving license) or why we would BOTHER getting one.

They gave an unrealistic timeline of processing 5 million people through a handful of EIDA centers. Published in the paper everyday we read "no extentions given", "fines if you don't get a card", "get off your ass and get our card". Many people panicked and camped out over night and then spent all day to apply for their pointless piece of plastic. Most expats just said "nahhhh", not doing it, too much hassle. I mean SERIOUSLY, only in this country do you go online to make an appointment, then have to queue for said appointment (get there early or they give your spot away), and then most likely need another visit as you did not know you need an anal probe and retinal scan BEFORE visiting. The 537 easy steps to getting your card are listed here:

Ministry of Useless Wallet Filler



We (or maybe just me) saw it coming a mile away:

YOU'LL NEVER PULL THIS OFF YOU RETARDS!

Simple math tells you that you can't pull it off in the time given. The EIDA centres are manned by typical Dubai clerks with a real zest for "getting the job done", not to mention their command of the English language. (Still not sure who's friggin' name is on my driving license, but after 2 attempts I just left it). When the centres opened they were processing 140 applications a day PER CENTRE....isn't that an accomplishment! Wow, did you hurt yourself doing that? Just goes to show that even the people that "work" there don't know what the hell they are doing.

Here's the math: 26 centres X 140 applications a day = 3640 applications processed country-wide per work day

5,000,000 population / 3640 apps = 1374 work days to process the apps.

1374 work days = 4.57 YEARS to complete the process. Luckily, they have extended deadlines for EVERYONE, and told some groups not to even bother showing up for months. Now there is talk of them saying "never mind, bad idea, Emiratis ONLY need to have a card". Just let me know.

Oh wait.....I'll be long gone by then. Oh yeah...you forgot the fucking driveway! These pics just sum up the thought process in this country. Nice building, snazzy sign, pretty parking lot, loooooove the barriers, and your choice of shade sails. I guess the Driveway Council of the UAE dropped the ball in this one! W-O-W.

"YES" is such a viscious word

In response to my fellow Blogger, Naseem's post regarding "no" being a simple word. I would like to expand on that. Only in Dubai is the answer "yes"...followed by a head bobble make you disappointed. It means "yeah, I don't know what you said, what you want, or when you want it, but I will say YES and I can do it TOMORROW." Get fucked. I think the mathematical quotient for figuring out delivery (and I'm not kidding) is essentially x 10. Tomorrow= 10 days from now. YES= I am 1/10th sure.


These guys are a joke. Just tell me the truth. YES or bloody NO. I can take it.

When I ask if something can get done and I am told "yes" and I can have it "tomorrow", I want to punch the guy in the head. Don't lie to me, MoFo. I ordered a coffee yesterday that won't be ready till next week, how are you going to do "X" tomorrow.

Don't tell me you are doing something "presently". I am a big boy, I can take it. If you can't do it, just let me know. It's cool. It's called "under promise, over-deliver". I am currently working on a project on the Palm Jumeirah. I am doing my thing, and there is a contractor building a wooden deck around the pool area.

Back in Canada, we call a couple of buddies, buy a case of beer and bang out a deck in a weekend. These guys (local contractors) started building this deck December 20th....it is still not done. Un-be-effing-leivable. Just shocking. You could find drunken loggers in a bar back home and they would bang this thing out in a weekend.

Did I mention handover of the villa was September 15th? (we're a little behind). Bottom line. No means no, and stick to it. If my head bobbles, punch me in the face (please).


Have a look at my motivation for this article:
Naseem Saadeddine: "No" is such a simple word.